Essay #4

She Needs Wide Open Spaces, Room to Make Her Big Mistakes...

It was November 6th, 1994 and they had ordered my favorite vanilla cake filled with bananas, strawberries and vanilla custard, all covered in Vanilla frosting. It had taken so long for her to have found the perfect birthday dress but she had finally managed to find one that fit me best. The stereo needed new double A batteries so as always, he ran to the store to buy more in order for us to be able to dance on my birthday. I was the youngest of 4 and as the baby, my parents would give me everything I ever needed with great expectations of my future. I had a mother who put me first before anyone else and a father who worked very hard to get my family and I out of the slums of Peru. As I sat down in front of my vanity table awaiting for my friends to come over, I began to look at myself wondering when I'd grow up to live my life beyond the cage that my parents had built for me. I had it all but I never really had a life to live. My sisters and brother were old enough at this point to be responsible for themselves and to make decisions on their own. However in my parent's eyes, being able to decide anything for yourself would only be permitted when you could leave the house and live entirely on your own. This stage finally happened to my oldest sister at the age of 26 when my father had finally allowed her to marry. My family did not care too much for her husband and the day she married him was the day that my mother dreaded till this very day. I continued to sit there thinking to myself whether or not I could ever live my only life the way that I truly wanted to live it. Even at 8 years old I had become curious in thinking what I would be in the future. However my future was not to make my own self proud, but to make my parents proud of me.

They say that your family is all there is and that when you need something to fall back on, your family will always be there to catch you. But what of the family who makes you fall on purpose? What about the family who only wants what's best for them? My parents had a very special way of loving and caring for me. I was the child who lived in a bubble. I could not see evil, could not hear evil nor could I even speak evil for a mere second. I was a precious flower to whom my parents cared for more than their own lives. As I grew older and had become more and more cooped up under their wings, I began to watch as my siblings rebellious stages progressed. My oldest sister married a much older man who my parents did not really approve of, my second sister dated a "good for nothing Puerto Rican" (as they liked to call him) and would skip her high school classes every other day. My brother was a special case because ultimately he was my father's biggest responsibility. My brother had dropped out of school to enter himself into military school. One of my father's most memorable moments since he was a former Marine himself. But it all came to a rushing halt when my brother would not exceed his training nor would he enlist due to a girl he had met. My parents were going insane with all the crazy things that they were all doing. But as the youngest child at 15, I was just sitting pretty, getting exceptional grades, making honor roll every single semester and never getting into any sort of trouble. That was me. I always wanted to be the best. The best that they could ever want in a child. But as I got older, I began to realize that the best was never going to be enough for them.

I was now 18 years old and it was the proudest moment for my parents to see me walking towards the stage to receive my diploma from Woodbridge High School class of 2005. I had graduated with honors and I was eager to start my life as a college student. Little did I know that it was not going to be easy. My parents did not want to hear the words "move" or "out" in the same sentence much less "boy" and "friend." I had never done anything in my whole adolescent life to disappoint my parents because I always wanted them to be proud of me. But I came to a rude awakening when another person had come into my life who much later would replace them, in their eyes. His name was Matt and he was my first love. Up until graduation, I had never really had a serious boyfriend nor was it a planned act to have one right before college. But it was inevitable the way my parents reacted to the news. My father was in denial and would always call him my "friend" and my mother would keep close watch on us making sure I'd be home no later than 10 o'clock at night. I was 22 now and this was still an on-going trend. My siblings were now older and each making their own lives with their families…far away. My oldest sister moved away to California making it that much harder to keep in contact with and my brother moved away to another town becoming closer and closer to his wife's family in result of the hatred my mother had towards her. My second sister was the only one who stuck around, visiting us once a week with her husband who mother actually approved of. What happened to the "good for nothing Puerto Rican" you ask? Well, let's just say my parents could not bare the thought of one their own marrying such a loser so they had taken matters into their own hands and forced my sister and him to let go of each other. The maltreatment and the many times my mom had kicked Jess out from our house seemed enough  one night when she could not take anymore of it and broke it off with Hector. I was their last baby bird who had yet to spread her wings.

As the last unmarried child, I had responsibilities that I had to take up in helping my parents out at their old age. From doctor's appointments to translating (my mother was not fluent in English) to transportation, I had to be there to help out in any way that I could. Which now comes as no shock to me that I would later become the biggest disappointment in my parent's eyes. As I had mentioned before, Matt was my first love and with 3 years down the drain due to an unhealthy relationship, my parents could not have been happier the day that I got rid of the guy who I once loved with all my heart. I remember the big smile my father had from ear to ear as I sat there in the kitchen table crying over my broken heart. I had explained to my mother how it hurt and that all I wanted to do was see him. My father then, without any hesitation sat next to me , reached into his pocket and said, "here, new life, new car." And that's how their control began to run through my veins like poison emerging through my brain making me do whatever they wanted me to do. It was forbidden to ever say his name nor could I ever speak to Matt ever again. For them it was quite possibly the greatest thing to have ever happened to them…I mean …Me. Truth is to them , Matt was a failure. And no daughter of theirs could ever come close to ending up with such an unremarkable being.

I am now 24 and Matt has returned back into my life. With many changes that came from both ends, we have managed to see our mistakes for what they were and could not be happier to be together now. I truly believe that whatever is meant to be, will be. So the reason behind us still being here, together, has me always thinking that this is happening for a reason. But none of this matters to my parents who have now found out about all of this two nights ago. I awoke to my mother yelling hysterically in my room right before work. Her voice was filled with fury and her eyes were filled with pain. Her look showed me nothing but disappointed which very much differed to the looks that I had always seen in those eyes when I was younger. There was no longer the shimmering sparkle that set in her gleaming eyes as she'd hold me tight while whispering in my tiny ears, "I love you and you are such a good girl." It was simple and to the point, my mother loved me. But now all I saw and heard were words full of disdain and malice with hopes that each daggered phrase would stab me right in the heart. "You are such a disappointment Yasmin. Why have you not learned from your mistakes? Can't you see how much pain you are causing us? Your father and I will never look at you the same way." As I sat there having each and every word sinking into my heart, I began to think back to when I was the "perfect" child. The picture of my 8th birthday cake as I blew it out. My father on my left looking at me with nothing but great expectations and my mother smiling at me, knowing that I was her perfect little princess. The huge smile I had on my face as my head hung over my beautiful cake reminded me of how great life used to be. When I used to be perfect.

Love and being controlling can be very tricky things to implore. The way my parents had loved me was in no way the best form of love. Their need to control mine and my sibling's lives had made us all more and more distant towards them in the end. My oldest sister is now out of the picture since her and my mother never talk anymore due to my mother's overbearing ways of control. My brother comes to visit every now and again but is never as close as he used to be since my mother never got along with his wife. Jess is the only one who comes around more often but does not have such a great relationship with my father due to his own ways of controlling her and her decisions. I had taken the liberty to live on campus in hopes that perhaps a little distance would help my relationship with my parents improve. All was well until they found out I was with the one person they strictly forbid me to be with. The distance will now only grow and my great expectations to have the family to fall back on will be nothing but a mere wish. I guess I'm not so perfect after all.